Send In The Clowns
by OC'specialty
Summary: In all of Asgard, there was but one person who ever understood Loki. Only one who he became the closest of friends with, who he loved more than any other. That persons name was Astrid, and this is the story of how Loki lost her. Takes place after Avengers


A/N:** Alright, so I was listening to this song 'Send in the Clowns' on Monday, by Stephen Soundheim. Judi Dench is the one I saw, and quite frankly it brought me to tears. There are few times where a song brings me to tears, but this is certainly one of them. Somehow, when I listened to it, I saw Loki musing about a woman who he lost. I don't know why, but it seemed to fit him perfectly, and so after days of both debate and plotting, I finally was able to write it down. Hopefully y'all like it, my beta certainly did. So, enjoy.**

**A/N-2: I uploaded this story a few nights ago, but due to a reviewer on the site I was informed that my story would risk termination of my account. That in mind, I decided to change the oneshot here, with the lyrics which were originally in it omitted. Although that changes the premise of the story a bit, hopefully it does not detract from the idea and it is still comprehended well. For those of you who wish to read the complete version, lyrics intact, you can see it on my Archive of Our Own profile under the penname 'MyFathersFavorite'. Otherwise, for those of you who remain here, just keep in mind that the theme song is Send in the Clowns by Stephen Soundheim - and yes, Koryandrs, it is from a musical :) More specifically, 'A Little Night Music'.  
**

**Happy Reading. **

* * *

_- Send in the Clowns - _

* * *

The Court was in session, the council arriving to hear the trial of the prince of Asgard – or rather, the bastard of Jotunheim, the betrayer of the King and Prince Thor: Loki. The court hummed as those who had gathered sat near and far to hear the sentencing. Odin Allfather sat in his throne, his one eye filled with sorrow at the state of affairs which he would oversee. His son, a boy who he had loved ever since he had found him abandoned on the frozen wastelands of Jotunheim, was the criminal in need of justice this day. He looked over at his wife, a solemn expression on her face as she gazed at the large golden doors which would soon lead him in.

To his right, his sons all sat. Tyr, the eldest, who had made it clear the night before that he held no love for his younger brother, and only disdain filled his heart. Thor, who had defended him, and probably would till the end of time sat beside Tyr, a sorrow in his gaze as well. Baldr and Hod sat yet beside Thor, as next in line, their faces also held a grimness, Loki had been their older brother, and being so, they felt betrayed by his obvious dismissal of the family. Hermod was absent, but Vidar was more than willing to take his place. Odin smiled grimly, Vidar had been the only one to stand beside Thor in his defense of Loki. The youngest son and a magic wielder himself, he had taken most after his adopted brother... in looks as well.

He looked to his left, where his most trusted warriors stood in silence. He vaguely wondered what would have happened, on the fateful day that Loki fell from grace, had they not disobeyed his young son's wishes. Would Loki have never fallen at all? Sure, it had truly been his own fault for telling the boy of his heritage at a bad time, but could it have been at least somewhat avoided by the Warriors Three and Lady Sif remaining in Asgard? Would he have waited for Thor's return? Or had he only wished for power, as his brother Tyr had? These, and many more, swirled in Odin's head, but he knew that he would never receive the answers.

But, now the family of Odinson had convened, the courtroom's noise lowering to a hush as the golden doors opened.

Loki, bound with fetters, a collar around his neck and hands to disarm his ability to use magic came in. Head held high, he took his first steps into the courtroom. The sound was silence as he was paraded to the golden throne where his fath– no, the Allfather began to stand. He could see the faces that surrounded him, faces he had known since childhood – faces, who maybe once held somewhat of kindness for the young prince, that now only held disgust. Yet, he searched for one face in particular.

Approaching the throne, he stopped, glaring as harshly as he could at his once-thought father, hating the man as much as he hated the one who had abandoned him in the temple as a baby. Ignoring the beginning of the long speech which was to come, he looked around – there she was.

He could see her from where she sat, her dark hair coiled regally upon her head. He nearly smirked, remembering how she hated her hair being pinned, complaining that she preferred to be free. Her hazel eyes caught his green ones, and for a moment they stared at each other. She looked no different than when he had last seen her three years before, as King of Asgard, searching for a man who would love her for their eternal lives.

Astrid. He could remember when he first met her, a young Asgardian knight's daughter, running through the halls of the palace – then getting lost. They were children then, he and outcast, a third son without hope of ever truly gaining respect; she, a fourth daughter among five, who desperately wanted to be known for herself, and not as the little sister of Dagny, who was considered the most beautiful girl in Asgard.

She had understood him then, an outcast of Asgard due to her rather small size, her darker features, and dedication to learning more than to young men. His only friend, once upon a time, the only one he could truly turn to when he was upset or sad... but that had all changed when the young Viggo, a man who her father approved of more than the odd prince of Asgard came calling.

Even now, the man sat beside her, his hand resting where her neck and shoulder met. He was whispering in her ear, drawing her gaze away from the condemned ex-prince. Loki clenched his jaw, he had always despised Viggo, although he didn't know why until it was too late – until Astrid had bound herself to the knight herself. She was married to him now, as Loki heard from the guards who had brought him from his cell to the court, and she had bore his child.

As he thought of it, a little head came up from her lap, the dark mess of hair upon it, a contradiction with his father, who was as golden as Thor himself. The boy looked interested at Loki, his age – he would guess – being about a year old. She smiled at him, speaking to the boy with an affection which Loki had witness for himself many times. He wanted to smile, he had always loved that side of her.

He could still remember when they were young, when she had sworn off all suitors because she was abhorred with how they turned out. Fandral had been her example at the time... he could still remember her words. They had been barely out of childhood, perhaps twenty or so when she made her announcement.

* * *

_"Its final... I'm going to die an old maid." she declared. "I'm going to become some kind of a healer, and end my days caring for the sick. Or perhaps in charge of the library."_

_"Nonsense, Astrid." Loki replied. "You'll find some dashing young knight of Asgard, and go off and marry him."_

_"I certainly will not__! __Have you seen them Loki?" she said. "They're all a bunch of peacocks, preening for attention – why just an hour ago two of them tried to... ugh, never mind, I don't want to talk of the peacocks."_

_"Well what do you want to talk of?" Loki asked, looking up from his book._

_She shrugged. "How has your day been, your highness?" she asked, batting her eyelashes for effect. _

_"I have told you a thousand times not to call me that." he ground out. _

_"My apologies, your highness..." she said with a mischievous look. "How has your day been, Prince Loki?"  
"Astrid..." he warned lowly. _

_She giggled. "What happened in the day, my friend?"_

_"Much better." he remarked. "Nothing much, just went down to the library, read some books as usual – surely your day has been more interesting than mine."_

_Her eyes narrowed, "Oh yes, because being chased by a band of hounds who are constantly nipping at your heels is interesting." she said. "You're a louse."_

_He clicked his tongue. "Language, Astrid." he chastised. "Lest the peacocks wonder at whether you are a girl at all... sometimes, I wonder."_

_Her response had been to throw the book in her hand at his head, the edge of it nicking his forehead with a slight __thunk.__She instantly covered her mouth to hide her smile as Loki's hair fell from where the book had hit, right into his eyes; he glared at her, placing his hair right back where it belonged, placing his and her book on the table beside him with a mischievous smile. _

_Astrid immediately began giggling furiously, "I'm sorry-" she tried to say between her giggles, "That wasn't actually supposed to hit you – Loki, don't."_

_His long fingers attacked her ribs, moving furiously as she giggled harder. "You have assaulted a prince of Asgard, and as such, you must be punished." he said seriously, though he fought to hide his own smile. _

_"__L – Loki, ple – please stop." she said between fits of giggles, trying to catch her breath. _

_"__Not until you show remorse." Loki retorted. "True remorse must be shown first before sentencing can be wavered." he stopped. "You have ten seconds."  
She continued to giggle, "I—I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hit you with the book." _

_He paused, a thoughtful look crossing his face. "Well, I suppose you can be forgiven." he said, instead holding himself on the edges of the chair. "Now, shall we work on your magic?"_

_Her eyes showed a excitement, one which Loki always craved to see. "You mean it?" she asked. "Is this reality offer, or is this another teasing offer where you'll tell me that I need to get a little older first?"_

_Loki scoffed. "When have I teased you?"_

_"Uh..." she paused, bringing one hand up to tick off fingers. "Yesterday... the day before that... all of last week... do you see where this is going?"_

_He rolled his eyes. "Well, this time I mean it."_

_"__Really?" she inquired. _

_"__Yes, Astrid, now lets go outside where you won't do damage." he replied, taking her hand and leading her outside. _

_"__You know," she began as they entered his mother's garden. "I wish that most of the knights were like you."_

_Loki laughed, "You mean skinny, pale, weaklings who count on a woman's trade to get through fights, and favor knives?" _

_He watched as her red lips turned down in a frown. "Loki..." she said lowly. "You know that's not what I think of you."_

_"__That's what everyone else does, though." he replied, "Now lets start with something simple."_

_"__When are you going to realize that not everyone dislikes you?" she asked. _

_"__Uh... Astrid... almost everyone dislikes me." he said. _

_"__I don't__!" she exclaimed. "Or do I not count?"_

_He had smiled, a strange feeling settling deep within him. "You, my friend, are the only one that counts."_

* * *

Now he stood before all of Asgard, a criminal on parade. A reject, to be shown like some kind of specimen which one would look at with curiosity. A Prince of Asgard, who was proven to be the son of their greatest enemy. He cursed his bloodline, cursed that which brought a divide between them. They had been so happy back then, as children and young Aesir. Always bringing about mischief, a pair of hellions they had been called, two peas in a pod. But then, Astrid was not considered as beautiful among the standards of the Aesir. He looked up at her, her eyes landing on him once more as Odin continued to drone on. It had been so simple then.

* * *

_Loki and Astrid ran down the hallways of the palace, running away from their latest bout of mischief – namely, a prank played on the illustrious Fandral. They both were laughing as the warrior's voice chased them down the hallway, straight into the hidden passageway in the wall. He wouldn't find them there. They stopped to catch their breath, and Astrid pushed a long lock of dark hair out of her eyes._

_"__We're in so much trouble when your father finds out." she commented, her breathing still heavy. _

_"__How about when your father finds out?" he asked in return. "Surely your punishment will be greater." _

_She shrugged. "Eh. He'll probably just lock me in my room for a day, as a recompense for playing silly games – apparently I need to grow up." _

_"__You're young yet." Loki argued. _

_"__Tell my father that." she retorted as they began their trek down the long hallway behind the walls. It had always been this way, they would play a prank, and then later would go to their secret place where they could listen to the gossiping of the maids. It was amusing most of the time, and as they had done it since childhood, they found it even more amusing as they understood what was being said. _

_When they reached their outpost, they found the cook, Birgdis, already speaking in hushed tones. _

_"__Did you hear what they're saying about the prince?" she asked her nearby colleague. "They're saying that he's argr! His choice of magic over a warrior's way, that has to be the only explanation."_

_"__No!" her companion replied. "Surely that is not the case." _

_"__Maybe, maybe not. But look at his brothers, he differs from them so severely, its strange that they are actually from the same father!"_

_Astrid looked over at Loki, a sad look crossing his face. She had heard it so many times before, Loki being considered unmanly due to his natural affinity to magic – but never had she thought that anyone would be so brazen in the palace itself. "Loki-"_

_"__Shh!" he silenced her, listening intently to the next bout of gossip. _

_"__And that girl!" Birgdis exclaimed. "The daughter of Agmundr!_

_"__Astrid?" her companion asked. Astrid swallowed, she had also heard the gossip about herself – but she wasn't sure Loki had. _

_"__They say she's not interested in men!" Birgdis replied. "As wild as her sister is temperate. No man will dare try to tame her, and no woman is interested in the young prince who she spends her time with. Though if she were more handsome, and much more of a lady, I have no doubt she'd have no want for admirers. Take her sister – sweet and dainty, like a lady of the court should be. Comparable to the Lady Sif herself, and definitely in the position to make her choice of the men. But the rascal girl? As she is now? Ha! I'm surprised the princes spend time with her at all."_

_"__Maybe they're in love with each other?" the companion replied. _

_Birgdis snorted. "Well, if that is the case, they will make a perfect match. For he can play the woman, and she the man – although a terrible man she would make. I hear that she actually has gone out and learned some swordplay, along with that magic that the argr has been teaching her. Ah, yes, they would make quite a pair. Mischief is what they have in common, but no man will have her – and no woman will have him!" _

_Loki's jaw clenched, and within seconds, the fire behind Birgdis leapt up at her, causing the woman to back away quickly, trying to put out the flame which had caught her apron. "Loki!" Astrid hissed, pulling his arm, trying to make him leave their spying spot. "C'mon!" _

_After a few more minutes, he acquiesced, following her down the dark hallway between the walls to the library. It was their favorite room in the palace, and no one would bother them there. Immediately he set a ward about them, to keep them from being interrupted, and began pacing. _

_"__How dare she!" he spat, a fire in his eyes which she rarely saw. "I have heard of the rumors about myself, but to speak of you with such disdain!"_

_"__She is right, Loki." Astrid tried to say from her nearby chair. "I am not as beautiful as Dagny, nor as temperate as Bodil – I am wild I suppose."_

_Loki stopped his pacing, turning to her. Crossing the floor, he knelt before her, taking her hands in his own. "Never, ever, believe such nonsense." he said firmly. _

_"__But I am-"_

_"__No!" he snapped. "You are more beautiful than Dagny, and always have been. Your sister is as vain as your father is wrathful; and Bodil, although I will admit she has a sweetness about her, is rather boorish."_

_"__You are not the regular populous of Asgard, Loki..." she replied. _

_"__How long have you know this is what people think of you?" he asked. _

_She shrugged. "A few years. It started when Heidrun was sharing with my sisters what she had heard from one of her friends – it was about you mainly, but the statement about my wild behavior was tied in there somewhere." she said softly, her eyes dropping to their linked hands. _

_He could see tears beginning to swim in her eyes, and clenched his jaw once more. "Your sister is a fool." _

_"__No, they are right about me – not about you, you are not argr – but they are right about me." _

_"__No they are not."_

_"__Yes, Loki, they are." _

_"__No, Astrid, they are not!" he insisted sternly. "You can ask Thor or Vidar or Baldr what they think, and they will say the same."_

_The tears began to stream down her face. "But, were I more..." she choked up, her shoulder shaking. _

_"__You couldn't be more than you are, sweet Astrid." Loki said, his thumb brushing away her tears. Gently, he embraced her, rocking her as she cried. All the while, he planned a rather harsh judgment for Birgdis, no one would hurt his friend in such a manner – not while he had a say in the matter._

* * *

And he had, looking in the crowd, he could see the old cook, her blue eyes hardened as she glared at him. He smirked, remembering just what he had done in retribution for what she had said about Astrid. Needless to say, it hadn't been pleasant, and the woman had left the palace in shame – perhaps one of the only times that his mother had reprimanded him for his behavior, yet understanding why he had done what he had done.

Astrid had also chastised him, telling him how cruel he had been when the cooks words were justly deserved – but he had ignored her, reminding her of the worth which she held in his eyes, the reason he had done what he had. Eventually she had forgiven him, although those who had hurt her were not as badly dealt with. Her sister, as an example, had simply had to deal with her hair turning green for a month, which Astrid had only laughed with him about.

He remembered when she had first seen him sneaking out of his first liason's room, her hazel eyes widened in surprise and some kind of hurt. She hadn't spoken to him for a year afterwards, and truly that was when the cracks had begun to form in their relationship. If only he'd known then what he found out later on, perhaps things might have been different. Perhaps it would be him who was beside her? His son who sat on her lap? He found himself wondering what would have changed had he realized why it was that she suddenly changed.

* * *

_Loki sat in the library, his mind fully engrossed in the book which he had picked. Magic had been something which he always admired and loved, attributing his love for it with his mother – for it was something which she had taught him, something they shared. _

_"__Loki?" Astrid's voice came from behind some other bookshelves, and he had to smile. _

_"__Over here." he called back, waiting to see her come around the corner. It had been a year since he had been caught leaving the enchantress Amora's room, but he could still feel some kind of tension whenever he saw Astrid, her smiles were more strained than they had been before. _

_She came around, and for a moment he didn't recognize her, and just stared. Her normally wild brown hair was tamed, falling in loose waves to her waist; her usual attire had changed as well, as she had seemingly abandoned her typical leggings and tunic, to a long emerald dress. Once his eyes somehow made their way to her face, he noticed her nervous look. Her teeth had caught her bottom lip, and her eyes were wide and worried. _

_"__Well?" she asked. "What do you think?"_

_He furrowed his brow. "Its nice." he finally said, "But it doesn't suit you." he turned his eyes back to his book. What would make her do such a radical thing?_

_"__Well, its going to have to." she replied, "Because I'm afraid the tunic is reserved for strenuous activity... and probably not even for then." he watched out of the corner of his eye as she fiddled with the sleeve of her dress. _

_"__Why?" _

_"__Because I'm a lady of the court, Loki, that's why." she snapped. _

_"__I liked the tunic." Loki said calmly. _

_She snorted. "Well, I'm afraid you're going to have to get used to this." she said lightly, "Because I'm not a child anymore, I'm a woman – and women wear dresses and act like ladies, not run around like young boys." _

_Loki's eyes snapped up to hers, his book closing with an audible 'snap' as well. He stood, beginning his habit of pacing. "Which one?" he asked. _

_"__Beg your pardon?" _

_"__Which of your sisters put you up to this?" he asked more clearly, fully prepared to wreak havoc upon any of them. For years he had worked to remind Astrid of her worth outside of what they said, but obviously they had gotten to her. _

_"__None of them." she replied. "I made the decision on my own."_

_It was his turn to snort. "Like the wastelands of Jotunheim you did! You were perfectly happy to – as you have said – 'run around like a young boy' before."_

_"__But, even you must admit that I am not a young boy." she replied quietly. "I am a woman, Loki. Its time I acted it."_

_"__They've drilled it into your head, Astrid!" he exclaimed. "This isn't you!"_

_"__Well its what I'm supposed to be, isn't it?" she nearly yelled back. "After all, isn't this what women like Amora are?" _

_He shook his head, nearly stomping over to his chair and snatching his book up. "Let me know when Astrid once more inhabits your body, because I don't like this creation of her sisters." he spat, stomping out of the room._

* * *

He had later apologized for his behavior, but again, the confrontation had only seemed to drive a wedge further between them. By the time he realized it, it was too late. After that day, the Astrid he had known before no longer existed – sure, she was still the same personality-wise, always defending him before her peers, and spending her time with him even though it was frowned upon. But, he then began to notice the looks men began to give her – looks which angered him.

He could remember the first time that he saw her at a feast after her change, used to men treating her like a child, as if she was invisible – but now it seemed as if they thought she was the only woman in Asgard, and he hadn't one moment alone with her all that evening. It was there she had met Viggo, there that he first realized the reason for his jealousy.

* * *

_She was dancing again. How many blasted times would she dance with a knight of Asgard? Had she not sworn them off a few hundred years before? Peacocks she had called them, Loki remembered it well, but now it seemed as if they were the only ones who she wished to spend her time with._

_"__Trouble in paradise, brother?" Thor, who sat next to him, asked with a chuckle. _

_"__Silence, Thor, I'm not in the mood for talking." Loki snapped back, his wine glass pinched in his fingers. He took a rather big gulp, draining the glass in a matter of seconds before calling for more. _

_Thor narrowed his eyes in confusion. "Is something wrong, Loki?" he asked again, this time his voice laced with worry. _

_Loki looked at his brother, then back at who Astrid was dancing with now. A golden head danced with the dark, short daughter of Agmundr. He knew the man's name, and quite frankly it was a curse in his mind. Viggo Bjarnisson. The most recent addition to his father's guard. "I haven't talked to her once, Thor." he finally admitted. "I don't know why she was seated so far, she never has been in the past; but I haven't spoken to her once."_

_"__Perhaps you should approach her when the dance is over?" Thor suggested. "Take a dance for yourself." _

_Tyr sat a few chairs down, and he laughed. "If I didn't know better, I would say our little brother is jealous of Bjarnisson's attentions to his friend. Tell me, does she know of your love?" he asked. _

_Loki glared at his older brother. "Whatever gave you the idea that I loved her? I simply don't like him."_

_Tyr laughed louder. "You hear that Thor?" he exclaimed. "He says he doesn't love her."_

_"__I heard probably clearer than you did, Tyr. My mind has yet to be influenced by the ale." Thor replied. _

_"__True, but surely you heard it?" _

_"__Aye, though what do you mean to say by it?" Thor asked, watching as Loki continued to glower, getting another glass of wine. This began to worry the prince. _

_"__That if he doesn't love her, then I am a fool." Tyr replied. _

_"__You are a fool, Tyr." Loki replied, "So I think you just confirmed what I said."_

_The eldest prince furrowed his brow in confusion, trying to figure out what Loki said through the befuddlement of ale. _

_Loki glared at the back of the golden-haired guard's head, watching as suddenly the pair of them turned and he saw Astrid's face. Her eyes locked on his, and he was surprised to see just what it was that she seemed to say. 'Get me out of this.' for a moment, his heart leapt in his chest, a feeling of renewed hope growing within him. _

_"__Brother?" Thor asked. "Why are you suddenly rather happy-looking?" _

_He turned toward Thor, then his eyes went to Viggo's feet, and within seconds the guard tripped, nearly falling on Astrid – but with a wave of his hand, Loki ensured that Astrid stayed upright and perfectly safe from the bear-like man's frame falling on her. _

_"__Sorry." he could hear Viggo apologize. "I don't know what happened." _

_She smiled, forgiving him, and once more taking his hand like the darling Loki knew she was. She glared at Loki, her eyes chastising him for his trick. He shrugged, getting out of his chair he moved toward the pair, knowing that if he tried to do another tripping trick with guard that he would have to deal with her wrath._

_"__Your highness." Astrid said, dropping into a curtsy. _

_"__Your highness." Viggo added, bowing respectfully. _

_Loki smiled. "Forgive me, my friend, but may I-?" he motioned that he should interrupt Viggo's dance. _

_The guard's posture stiffened, and with a curt nod, he passed Astrid over to the prince, stalking off. _

_"__That wasn't funny." Astrid chastised. "He's a very large man, and to have him fall on me would have been horrible."_

_"__He wouldn't have fallen on you, you have my word." Loki assured her. _

_"__Nevertheless, don't do that again, do you hear?" she asked, looking in Viggo's direction. "He's such a bore." she complained. "All he wishes to talk of is fighting – its like listening to Tyr or Fandral speak." _

_Loki followed her gaze, noting that her sister had gone up to console the young guard. "You never have had much endurance for such conversation." he said. _

_"__Well, he's somewhat endearing. He's very sweet, Loki." he growled beneath his breath, and she continued. "A bit of a booby, but I think he could make some woman very happy – at the very least, she'd be very safe." _

_He glared at the guard, wondering just why it was that he felt so jealous of Astrid's praises of him._

* * *

It was after that night that he realized that Astrid was no longer his own, for Viggo – despite his awkwardness – was not as willing to allow Astrid to slip through his grasp so quickly. It was clear that the man was entranced with her, as Loki was himself, and he found himself competing for her time much more than before. He longed for the days of her tunic and leggings, when no other man wanted her, when he didn't have to compete for her affections – all the while, Tyr's words whispered in his mind.

He looked up at where she sat, the day that he realized that he loved her clear in his mind. She had come back from a afternoon ride with Viggo, he remembered, raving about how much fun she had had, and wishing Loki had come – yet, it was obvious that he had been somewhat of an afterthought. It wasn't until that night that he started putting the pieces together, remembering all her comments both as they were children and then later. She had loved him for centuries, and it was only when he saw someone else interested in her that he came to his senses.

Why? Why had it taken so long before he realized it? He had loved her. He couldn't imagine his life without her there, without her curt replies, or her wit - without her companionship. She was the only one he could talk to, the only one who he wouldn't lie to for the world... or rather, until that night he wasn't.

* * *

_He stood outside her door, contemplating whether to knock or not. He wanted to, desperately, but he wasn't sure how he was going to announce what he felt for her. Surely she would not turn him away, if she loved him as much as he thought. He raised his hand, his fist made to knock when the sound of laughing could be heard down the hall. He turned, he knew the sound of that laughter – it was Astrid. _

_"__No, please stop!" she was saying, and for a moment his pulse quickened. Was something wrong? She rounded the corner, and his once-exuberant heart fell before his feet. It was_him_**, **__Viggo. He was making her laugh now, a pleasure which Loki had enjoyed for centuries; it seemed that when he was younger, he always wanted to make her laugh. He wanted her sadness to be taken away, and replaced with all the happiness his mind could contrive: from when they were younger, creating magical butterflies; to when they got older, to pranking those who upset her. _

_"__Loki?" her voice stole his reverie from him, her hazel eyes curious. "What are you doing here?" she asked. _

_"__I—I was here to –" he stopped, looking at Viggo's rather irritated look at being interrupted. "I-I mean, I was wondering what time you'd like to practice tomorrow?" he lied, cursing his inability to speak what he truly wanted to say. _

_She exchanged a look with Viggo, and then looked back at Loki. "Well, I don't know." she said. "Perhaps after breakfast?"_

_Loki nodded curtly, and walking up to her, he laid a kiss goodnight on her cheek – as was his custom. He saw Viggo tense beside her, and he decided in that moment that he would take back what was his – he wouldn't allow this foolish guard to take her from him, he was sure of it. _

_"__Goodnight, Astrid." he said, walking down the hall. _

_"__Goodnight Loki." she replied, then almost immediately he could hear her chattering again, laughing at something Viggo said._

* * *

It still angered him how easily it seemed that Viggo had replaced him. He had always disliked that man, although he did not fully blame Bjarnisson for what happened... no, he blamed one other person.

His green eyes scanned the crowd until he found the red hair of Lady Dagny, Angmundrsdottir. It was her, he later found, who persuaded Astrid to wear the dresses, then later on to change her behavior - until eventually she was convinced to abandoned her magic practice with Loki. He could still remember the day which caused for him to despise her family.

* * *

_"__Astrid?" he called through the door. "Astrid?"_

"_Prince Loki?" Dagny._

_"__Where is Astrid?" he asked her older sister, aware of the older girl's dislike of him for centuries. He had heard that she had begun a few of the rumors about him, specifically the one about him being argr – but that was not why he disliked her in return. He blamed her for Astrid's change. Had she not intervened, in his opinion, then Astrid would still be the girl he knew before. Yet, he had to admit, he liked the Astrid of now – if only a bit – what he didn't like was that other men were interested in her. _

_"__She's out." Dagny replied. _

_"__With whom?" Loki asked. _

_"__Is that any of your business?" Dagny asked in return. "Are you her betrothed?"_

_Loki glared at the woman. "I am a friend, Dagny, and I want to make sure she's safe."_

_Dagny smirked. "Oh, don't worry, she's quite safe." she said. "Safer than she'd ever be with you."  
"Where. Is. She.?" Loki snarled. _

_"__With Viggo Bjarnisson." she answered simply. "So as I said: she's safer than she'd ever be with you."_

_"__Do you know where they went?" Loki inquired, but the woman just laughed. _

_"__What makes you think I'd tell you... argr? Especially after you turned my sister into the outcast that you were. I turned her into something which would be desired." _

_He felt the impulse to lash out, to physically hurt Astrid's older sister in some way, to mar the face which shamed Astrid for so many years – but then, he stopped himself. Astrid would never forgive him, for one; and he wasn't sure that he would be able to bear her hatred for the rest of their lives. _

_He could only watch Dagny smirk, sauntering away as quickly as she had come upon him._

* * *

For the next few weeks and months, he tried to win her back through their friendship which they had held for so long. But, there was a difference now. With every embrace, there was a touch of something more, and Loki had to admit that every time she looked at him, she seemed to be more and more curious. He couldn't help that he wanted to hold her longer now, to see her more and more. He loved her, but could not help but feel completely helpless.

Yet, to everyone else, he pretended that he cared little for her in any capacity other than friendship. He didn't know, at the time, that that only served for confusion in Astrid's already-puzzled mind.

It wasn't until later on that he came to understand that in keeping his love to himself that he actually was pushing Astrid further and further into Viggo's arms. It was his mother who made him realize it, his mother and Thor - surprisingly - and when he did, he tried to speak with her.

For days, he remembered, he tried to find the proper time - however, every time he thought that it was the proper time, Astrid was suddenly whisked away from him by someone. First it was her sister, then Viggo, then another sister of hers. He began to wonder if they were doing it on purpose, and one day stole her away to the library... he needed to talk to her, and he refused to be interrupted. After all, almost no one who they knew even knew the library existed.

* * *

_"__Loki, is something upsetting you?" she asked, her own book forgotten as she watched him put the third book back on the shelf without reading it._

_"__What makes you think otherwise?" he asked in reply. _

_She shrugged sighed. "Well, you seem... odd."  
"Don't I always?"_

_"__More than usual." she clarified. "Almost as if you wanted to say something, but you keep telling yourself not to. Just tell me."_

_He sighed, turning toward her. He finally needed to tell her how much he cared for her, to expose everything that was within his soul, to bare it all as he had always done when they were young. _

_"__Astrid." he began, coming closer and taking her small hands within his own larger ones. "There is something... actually."_

_"__Yes..." she prompted. _

_He licked his lips, unsure of how to proceed. "Astrid... do you remember when you first met Viggo?"_

_She snorted. "Why does that matter?"_

_"__Just... answer the question."_

_"__Yes, I do."_

_"__Do you remember that night very well?"_

_"__I remember you playing a trick on his feet, causing him to stumble into me." she said, her eyes still somewhat chastising for that. _

_"__Do you know why I did it?"_

_"__Uh... because you didn't like him?" she offered. _

_"__Yes... and no." he replied. "Astrid... we've known each other for..."_

_"__Eight centuries." _

_"__Has it really been that long?" Loki asked, she nodded. He hadn't even noticed. "Well, in that time, I've noticed that you... well, that I..." he trailed off. _

_"__Out with it, Loki." she commanded. _

_"__I... love..." he stopped. _

_She shook her head. "Loki..." _

_"__No, Astrid, please let me say this out." he said. "Ever since I realized that I could lose you in any capacity – which Viggo has been quite apt at showing me."_

_"__Not on purpose."_

_"__Shh..." he put a finger to her lips. "Let me finish." _

_She closed her mouth, biting her lip in a way which showed her anxiety. _

_"__Well, as I was saying. When I noticed that I could lose you... that in some way you could be taken away from me... I started... well, I began to realize that..." he stuttered. _

_"__Just say it." she softly encouraged. _

_"__I love you." he rushed out. "I know that people have always said that we would be perfect for one another, and they don't mean it in a good way, but I truly love you, Astrid. I think I always have, but it wasn't until I realized that I could lose you that I knew."_

_He watched as her hazel eyes filled with tears. "Oh, Loki."_

_"__Astrid-"_

_"__Now you listen." she started, her voice shaky. "I wish you had told me sooner."_

_"__I know, I've been a fool, but-"_

_"__Loki." she interrupted again, effectively silencing him. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"_

_He chuckled. "I've only just learned it." he replied, noting her downcast eyes. "Astrid? What's the matter?"_

_"__Loki..." she started, her eyes suddenly becoming very wet. "Viggo asked for my hand in marriage yesterday."_

_Loki's smile vanished, his heart plummeting. "He did?" he asked, a hatred burning within him for the man. "And what was your reply?"_

_Her head ducked down, her lower lip trembling. "I—I accepted." she finally confessed, sobs beginning to wrack through her body. _

_Loki was numb, her words driving a knife deep within him. "I thought you didn't like him."_

_"__I didn't... but..." she trailed off, taking a deep breath and finding her courage. "Loki... if only you've known how long I've waited to hear those words come out of your mouth. For years I've tried to get your attention in some way, to make you realize that there was something beyond our friendship."_

_He went to say something, but her fingers covered his mouth before he could. _

_"__But after Amora," she continued on. "I realized that I was foolish to believe so. I am what everyone always said, a wild child that no man would want to tame... well, Viggo is willing to prove them wrong."_

_"__You are wrong!" Loki protested. "He wants to squash your spirit – well, in a way that _is _taming you. He wants to make you like all those ladies you have always despised, and he is the very type that you have scorned for centuries – and Amora means nothing to me, and has not for years."_

_"__Does she not?" Astrid asked. "Is she not still your mistress, even though her goals have more to do with Thor than with you?"_

_"__No!" Loki exclaimed. "She most certainly is not! Where did you hear such a thing?"_

_Her eyes went downward once more. "That night when you came out of her room, and then recently she was talking to my sisters about it a few weeks ago... I honestly thought-"_

_"__Astrid, I love you, and I swear to you that Amora means nothing to me." Loki said, then froze. "Wait... you said you had accepted Viggo... didn't you?"_

_She nodded solemnly. "My father was happy with the match." she whispered. _

_"__Your father has nothing to do with your proposal." Loki spat. _

_"__Yes he does, Loki." she replied. "It would break my mother's heart for me to be disowned over something like this."_

_"__You don't love him do you?" Loki asked. _

_She looked at him, her eyes holding a question of her own. "I..." she began. "I don't know."_

* * *

After that day, they were indifferent acquaintances. Although it was obvious to him that she wished to continue their friendship, to keep going on as they had been – yet, aware that there was something which they would never breach. The day that the betrothal between Viggo and Astrid was announced, his heart was disintegrated, crushed to oblivion without a hope of renewal. It was then that he truly threw himself into his studies of magic, learning more than he ever would have in the past. he had lost his one friend - and he knew he'd never get her back.

He looked up at the stands, watching Viggo whisper something in her ear and stand up, where he went, Loki didn't see, but he disappeared. Odin continued to drone on, a councilman standing up to say something before he sat down once more – but Loki wasn't listening. She was fascinating to watch with her son, her eyes lighting up with happiness. She suddenly seemed to notice his gaze resting on her, and her eyes flickered to his, a soft smile tugging at her lips. He wanted to smile back, but couldn't seem to do so, so he managed a grimace, the last memories that he could remember of her surfacing.

* * *

_It seemed the world was falling about his ears. Thor was banished, Odin had fallen into odinsleep, Asgard was now under his rule with the Frost Giants threatening war due to Thor's ineptness. And to top it all off, he had learned of his true parentage. A Frost Giant himself, and just any, but the son of Laufey, the very creature he had learned in his childhood as being a tyrant. It was hard, and he wished that he had not cut Astrid off a hundred years ago – he needed someone now. _

_As if to answer his wish, the golden doors of the Throneroom suddenly opened, and the very person of his thoughts came in. He stood, his eyes catching a glimmer slithering down her cheek as she approached the throne. He had seen her many times during the century of their time apart, but she seemed different in his eyes, and it wasn't just the fact that she was crying. _

_"__Your majesty..." she began, her voice cracking. "Forgive me, I meant to see the Allfather."_

_"__My father has fallen into Odinsleep, and in place of Thor – who you no doubt know is banished – I am ruling until he awakens." Loki answered, though his eyes never left her face. _

_"__Well then... perhaps you can help me, your majesty." she replied quietly. _

_"__With what, my lady?" Loki asked, his voice betraying no emotion which he felt for her being there. _

_Her lip quivered, her head ducking down to look at the stones beneath her. Loki took an instinctual step forward, he had never liked to see her cry. She suddenly broke into a sob. "I can't marry him!" she declared, her eyes suddenly snapping up to his. "I am six months away from my impending marriage to Viggo, and... I can't. I can't tie myself, or tie him, when I know that there is only a meager respect for one another."_

_He took another step. "And how would you have sought the Allfather's help on this?" he asked, barely trusting his own voice. _

_"__My father," she said, swallowing back her tears. "Has declared that he will not allow me to release myself from Viggo's betrothal. Although I have made it clear why I cannot marry the man, my father is resolute. I had hoped that the King would be able to persuade him otherwise. Or at the very least, release me from my binding."_

_"__What is the reason for you wishing to annul your upcoming nuptials?" Loki inquired, trying to stay neutral in the affair. _

_She gave a half-hearted chuckle. "Because I do not love him." _

_"__Love is such a thing which you believe that you should not marry a man who can... tame your wild ways? Who do you love then?" Loki inquired, not even sure why he was continuing in this manner. _

_She smiled, "Were I speaking to the Allfather," she began." I would say that I had fallen in love with his son, and have been for centuries – what do I say to the son in the stead of his father?"_

_He quickly descended the stairs, gathering her into his arms. She had said it, she had said that she loved him, and that she had for years – "Well, I suppose that is as good a reason as any to relase you from your betrothed. For not even the Allfather would say you could not marry for love."_

_Her laugh was music to his ears before he reached up, taking his helmet off and setting a few steps above. "Loki..." she whispered, "I love you."_

_He smiled widely. "I love you, Astrid. Forgive me for those years of heartbreak."_

_"__There is nothing to forgive, if anything it is I who should be forgiven."_

_He chuckled, claiming her lips in a kiss. He could feel her arms wind up around his neck, pulling him closer – and for that moment, he felt as if all the pressure of being the king of Asgard was worth nothing. He had what he really wanted in his arms, and for now all he wanted to do was focus on her._

* * *

He remembered that day fondly. He had re-found a friend among what he saw as enemies. He only wished that he had relished those few days a little more. He still cherished the memories, those ones keeping his mind somewhat intact while he had been tortured for days. He wondered if she remembered those days with as much fondness as he did...

* * *

_For the following two days, Loki spent all the time he could with Astrid. However, the threat of Laufey loomed, and he made a deal with his bastard of a father to destroy the hated world of the Jotuns. He would end this threat once and for all, finishing the job that Odin started a millennia ago. Her eyes were still locked on his as he begrudgingly brought up the last memory of seeing her. _

_Loki woke with a start, his dreams reminding him of the very real threat of the Jotuns. He turned in his bed, his eyes catching on the back of Astrid who was sleeping beside him. Gently, he moved his arm under the coverlet, wrapping it protectively around her middle. He could feel her skin beneath his fingertips, reminding him of what had happened the night before. He felt no shame for it, but now he worried – what if he failed? _

_If the Jotuns invaded Asgard after Laufey's death, they would no doubt kill everyone in the palace... and that would include Astrid. Unknowing to him, his grip tightened, he just got her back and was not willing to lose her as quickly. She moaned lightly, her hand unconsciously touching his which lay on her belly, as if to comfort him even while she slept. He had to smile, he truly loved her. No one else had made him feel such peace, she completed him. Had he already not made the deal with Laufey to destroy the Frost Giant, and not already set the wheels in motion that would force him to take action, he would want nothing else. _

_Damn Thor. Had the irresponsible git stayed in Asgard when Loki had told him, none of this would have happened. Thor would be in Asgard, and Odin would still be king, and probably not have had to go into Odinsleep. However, he wasn't sure what would have happened with Astrid – but that was perhaps the one thing he did not concern himself about. She was here, in his arms, and safe as long as he was there to protect her. _

_By sunrise, he had no choice but to leave her. Resigned, he left the bed, using magic to dress himself quickly, he had no time to lose. _

_"__Loki?" he heard her tired voice. "Where are you going?"_

_He stooped down to her, kissing her softly. "Go back to sleep, my love." he said. "I won't be long."_

_"__Loki?"_

_"__Hmm?" he replied as she opened her eyes. _

_"__I love you..." _

_He had to smile, although she did not know what he truly was, it made him happy to hear those words come out of her mouth. He wasn't sure she would feel the same when she found out he was a Frost Giant, but he would hoard this piece of Valhalla as long as he could. _

_"__I love you too, Astrid. I will return, wait for me." he said, taking his helmet from its place and leaving his room with one last glance at the woman who still slept. He had to return to her, he was determined to do so. With that, he left the room – when he returned he would make her his wife._

* * *

Of course, he never returned to her. His eyes drifted to Thor and Odin, he blamed them for what happened after that. Had Thor not destroyed the bifrost,he would have stayed in Asgard, and no matter what had happened, he would have had Astrid with him. Even if he had been imprisoned, there would still have been hope for them. He looked back at her, remembering how she had remained in his mind even when he was being tortured by the Chitauri. It had kept him from the brink for so long – and when he had eventually succumbed it had been with the intention to create a life for her when he became king. But it was obvious to anyone looking that it had not happened – and now she was married... which a child.

Viggo was suddenly beside him, his full guard-regalia on as Odin finished his sentencing. He was to be locked up like a common criminal in the dungeons of Asgard, his magic dampered. He could understand the sentiment, but it all made him amused. The whole thing was a joke, as he knew that the punishment was still Odin's rather insistence on being a father to him. There was one thing which he wasn't pleased about, and that was who was now escorting him to his new cell.

He hated the man, no doubt Viggo had taken advantage of Astrid after his fall; though the real question was whether Astrid had meant what she had said the year before. Had she really loved him? How long had she waited after his supposed 'death' before she ran back into the guard's arms? He could feel Viggo's gaze on him, and he turned to see the guard glaring. He felt somewhat amused that the guard hated him so much, though over the Asgardian's shoulder, he could see Astrid, almost silently begging for neither of them to take any action.

With a final word from the Allfather, Loki was led out of the courtroom with one last fleeting glance at Astrid. He could see the tears in her eyes, and for a moment he felt sadness... she was crying for him.

* * *

The cell was exactly what he expected, yet obviously someone had taken the time to make it a little more comfortable. Frigga. That was his only answer. His mother had always been someone who loved him regardless of anything he ever did... and it made him both angry and depressed that Odin had not allowed him to see her before the trial. The guards left him, locked tightly in his cell, and for the first time he allowed his true feelings to show.

From the pent up frustration at losing the battle on Midgard, to the overwhelming sense of loss that he felt when he looked at Astrid and his mother - he felt as if he had lost everything which he had ever built up. There was nothing left for him.

With a burst of the little magic he had, he send all the furniture in the room flying.

* * *

"Loki?" the Queen's voice came from the other side of the magical boundary.

He placed his book on the small desk, and walked over to the glass to stand before her. "Mother..."

He saw her faintly smile, "I'm glad you do not feel as disdainful toward me, Loki..." she said. "For you are still my son."

They continued talking for some time, with Frigga trying to understand what made her son become the man who she knew now. It seemed like the most natural thing to do... despite the fact that Loki was currently incarcerated.

For himself, Loki was grateful. He wasn't completely alone.

* * *

By the third visit which Frigga paid to her son, Astrid was mentioned. Loki was silent on the matter, not wishing to consider what his mother had said.

"She wishes to see you." she had announced. "She has been petitioning Odin for permission to visit."

"Naturally the Allfather has not granted it." Loki finished. "It is to be expected, she is a married woman, it wouldn't be proper to visit me in her state."

Frigga shook her head. "She loves you, Loki. She always has – yes, she married Bjarni's son but she still loves you."

"What are you saying?" he asked her. "She married him soon after my fall, and you say she loves me? How?"

Frigga sighed. "Loki... there was something which Astrid never shared with anyone, something which I was surprised you could not conclude when you saw her." she said.

"What, mother, are you talking about?" Loki asked.

"The child, Loki." Frigga replied. "Did you get a proper look at the child?"

"Why should I care about Viggo's son?" he hissed.

Frigga smiled sadly. "Because he's not Viggo's son." she said.

Loki froze. "What do you mean by that?"

"Ask Astrid." she responded cryptically, leaving Loki clueless as she moved onto another topic.

* * *

It seemed days since he had last seen his mother, and to be honest he was getting a little stir-crazy. Footsteps suddenly echoed, and he approached the glass with the expectation of seeing the queen... however, his eyes fell on a different figure – much smaller that Frigga was. A hood covered her face, but he knew who it was before she removed it, her hazel eyes seeming to light up when she saw him.

"Loki." she murmured his name with a sense of reverence. "Loki."

"That's my name, don't wear it out." Loki snapped. "Mother said you wished to speak with me."

Astrid sighed. "Yes, I suppose I did. Did she tell you why?"

"Something regarding that blasted son of yours – she wouldn't answer my questions, I suppose she thought it imperative that I speak with you and you alone." he replied.

"I understand why you are so hateful toward me, Loki. From your point of view, what I have done is unforgivable." she replied softly.

"If you consider the fact that I asked you to wait for me, and you did not, then yes I would say that you have done something unforgivable." Loki spat. "How amazing that you seem to think differently."

"Do not be spiteful with me, Loki," she replied in kind. "I am not here to fight with you."

"Then why are you here?" Loki inquired. "To discuss how happy you are with your little family, and how perfect your son is?"

She raised one dark eyebrow. "Let me ask you something," she began. "If you had a son, would you tolerate anyone speaking of him with such spite?"

"Why does that matter?"

"Just answer the question."

He thought a moment. "Why yes, I do believe that I would feel rather protective – though why it matters to you I'm still unsure."  
He watched as she raised a hand, a slight gesture which no one would think twice of, but he knew it was seidr magic she used. Whatever she was going to say, she didn't want the guards overhearing.

"If that is your belief," she said, turning her attention back to him. "Then you should not speak so ill of your son."

"I have no son."

"You are wrong, my love, you do." she replied, "Or did you not take a close look at Leifr's eyes and hair?"

Loki stared at her, he had noticed the child's dissimilarities with its father - chiefly the dark hair and pale skin. "Impossible."

"Hardly." she retorted. "Why else do you think I married Viggo so quickly after you fell from the bifrost? – No doubt you know how long it was between the two events."

He was quiet for a moment, bringing up the memories of the boy which he had seen during the trial.

"Do you see it now, or do I have to bring about an illusion to demonstrate just what my son – or rather, our son – looks like?" Astrid asked softly.

Loki looked at her in confusion before an illusion of the boy stood in front of her – albeit a little older than the boy was now, the image was of him at perhaps four or five. Loki couldn't deny it now as he looked at him. The starling green eyes were impossible to ignore, as was the inky black hair. "How can this be?"

She walked up to the glass, getting as close as she could without the seidr depleting glass touching her. "Do you not remember? Perhaps your time with the Chitauri took more of your memories than the Council concluded." she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Why did you marry him if you were pregnant with my child?" he asked.

"Well, from what we knew you were dead." she answered simply. "When I found out I was pregnant I had to act quickly – although it may not have been the best option, it was what I had at the time."

"I told you to wait for me." Loki replied, although his voice was not as harsh as he felt.

"You abandoned me, Loki." she retorted.

"I did nothing of the-"

"You let go of the Allfather's staff. You could have pulled yourself up, you could have come back to me – but you did not." she said. "You left me alone, with your child. I had no choice, you know how things are here in Asgard, I would have been a disgrace, and our son would have grown up as more of an outcast than we ever were."

"So instead you subject him to the upbringing I was subjected to." he replied scathingly.

"Your upbringing was marvelous." she retorted. "I don't know what you're complaining about."

"You're having _my son_ raised by that ridiculous troll?!" he snapped.

She closed her eyes, heaving a sigh. "Do I have another choice?"

"There is always a second choice, Astrid. You could have waited..."

"Do not say such things, or you will get me started on your little tirade down on Midgard." she retorted.

"I thought you said you weren't here to fight." Loki said. "Did you lie hjartað mitt?"

Her jaw clenched. "You are the master of lies, Loki, not I."

"True, and I can tell when you're lying. Its a pity I didn't know earlier." he replied. "It would have saved me thinking you were waiting for me here on Asgard while I was being tortured."

"Loki, stop it." Astrid whispered.

"Go back to your husband, my lady, I want nothing to do with you." Loki finally said. "You made your choice."

"And what of your son?" she asked.

"I am not his father according to him – I pity the boy, honestly. He will never know the truth will he?" he asked rhetorically. "Now leave me in peace."

She sighed, closing her eyes in defeat. Loki turned his back on her, not willing to let her see how he wished to turn around and take back what he had said – how he wanted to keep her from leaving him, and wanted her to stay as long as she could. He hated to admit it, but he needed her... no matter what reason.

Alas, when he finally did turn around, she was gone.

* * *

Six more months passed, six more months of Loki chiding himself regarding his rash actions with Astrid. Over that time, he had re-listened to her words in his head, re-summoned the image of his son; it was painful to endure, and eventually he decided to ignore the pang of hurt which flashed through him at the thoughts. He would never see her again, she was another man's wife now – even if she was the mother of his son. Yet, he found himself wishing that he could take the last words he spoke to her back.

It tormented him daily. The almost nightly visits of those little green eyes in his subconscious when he was utterly helpless and vulnerable induced a bitterness that could not be placed. He cursed and spurned sleep. He even hated the dust mites that drifted past on occasion. They taunted him, what with their freedom and their ignorance of the sense of family even they had and he lacked. It all hurt, deeply. He knew now that love was weakness. It only destroyed.

The sound of footsteps echoed once more in the corridor outside his cell and he looked up.

"After all this time, brother..."

* * *

**Well? What did y'all think? If you liked it, please review. I might continue it later, after Thor 2 comes out, as the timeline would be then - however, I'm still debating on it. My beta thinks I should continue, but I"m unsure. If any of you guys who read this liked it, then by all means let me know.**

**Translation: hjartað mitt - My heart**

**Au Revior :)**


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